[ As much of a tactile person as Dick is, and always has been, his years with Bruce were marked by a distinct lack of warmth. Bruce had never been the type to hug him, or say anything remotely close to the lines of the 'I love you's' that his parents showered his childhood with. Though he and Bruce still had to catch each other when they fell, Dick never felt there was anything other than loyalty underpinning the trust, leaving the void his parents left inside him to fester and spread.
He doesn't remember the last time he hugged Bruce, but it feels like embracing an icicle shaped like the man he still loves despite everything that's happened. Though it's cold, though the ridges of the suit dig into the soft parts of his body, he squeezes anyway. God, he misses Bruce, misses him so bad, and the overwhelming tide of emotions flooding him when those arms wrap around his waist have him shutting his eyes. Nausea crawls up his throat, and finally, he lets go of the breath he holds. It shakes like a weak, soft thing, like finally, he can loosen his control. With it, there's a barely-there whisper of Bruce's name.
Without warning, he goes slack in Bruce's arms and passes out. ]
[ At one point, maybe Bruce had been just as tactile as Dick. Filled up as much as an eight year old could be with life and laughter and imagination and the warm exuberance of youth. All of that's been crushed out of him though. Life had taken him by the neck and squeezed until there was nothing left, but a boy hollowed out and scraped clean.
Dick had been...
Dick had been the start of something good in Bruce's life. Even if he was cold and the relationship distant at best. He could feel the warmth of life seeping back into him in slow, quiet drips. Until it stopped when he nearly lost Dick and the relationship fractured into it's thousand tiny pieces. Dick had been the only good thing in his life and just like his mother and father and all of the what ifs Joe Chill snuffed out, he was gone.
But the difference is Dick came back, despite all of Bruce's efforts to keep him away. He's here and he's got his arms around Bruce and he maybe he doesn't realize how much he's needed this. How badly having him close again would soothe all of the aches and self inflicted pains. He hugs Dick and he feels like he's alive again. Dick says his name and Bruce grips him tighter ]
I'm right here.
[ And it's good that he is because soon after Dick is limp in his arms and Bruce has to put himself away for now to see to him. When Dick wakes, he'll find himself under the harsh fluorescent glow of the Cave's infirmary lighting. And Bruce is there, sitting not too far away and half dressed in his costume. The cowl is missing and the gauntlets are off. He's just Bruce and for once that feels like it's enough. ]
[ The lights are blinding. Dick has never been a religious man, but he thinks that if this is heaven, itās too bright. It burns into the back of his irises, making him turn his head one way then the other, trying to find solace from it. Pain blooms somewhere and clouds over his senses, until he hears himself make a quiet sound, somewhere between a groan and a croak. ]
ā¦offā¦ [ He hears himself say it as if far away. ] Nnhāturn it off. [ He squeezes his eyes shut then dares to open them, gasping and blinking as the bright fluorescents beam down on him. It takes him right back to years and years ago, when heād woken up with this exact feeling, wanting the exact thing he wants now. ]
Bruceā¦ Bruce. [ His voice is barely above a whisper. He doesnāt know where he is, but as soon as that name leaves his mouth for the third time, he remembers: Bruce isnāt here. Dick left him years ago, and the gaping wound in his chest throbs as he squeezes his eyes shut and feels hot tears roll into his temples. ]
[ The lights were necessary. Alfred had needed them when Bruce hauled Dick into the room and asked (begged) for Alfred to do something. To save him. When Alfred looks at him, it's the same look he'd given him the night Bruce's life fell apart. The same look when they thought Dick wouldn't survive Joker's assault. It's those soft, sad eyes. He told Bruce to step back and let him work. That Dick would be fine.
Bruce believed him. It hurt too much to think otherwise.
He rounded Dick's bed when he groaned. The lights dimmed and Bruce returns to his side just moments later. In time to hear his name whispered and to see the tears streaming back toward his hair. He peels the gauntlets off so Dick could feel him and not the years of barriers between them. Then Bruce wipes Dick's tears away. ]
[ Almost immediately, as soon as that warm touch finds his cheek, Dick quiets. Thereās a part of his soul that recognizes it. Slowly, the blinding light fades away and Bruceās face is there, gazing down at him. As that blurry image sharpens, Dick can see it all. All five years apart, etched deeper in the memory of Bruceās features, the crinkle in the corners of his eyes, the line at either corner of his mouth, and the furrow between his brows, pinched with worry. ]
Bruceā¦ [ He whispers again before turning his face into Bruceās palm. A quiet breath falls from his parted lips though his eyes still gaze hazily to that familiar face. ]
[ Five years and it feels like Bruce is feeling every hurt between the last time they were together and this one. Five years of loneliness and worry and pain because he missed this man, but was too prideful to ever say it. He just let it drag him deeper into the mire. Let it turn him into something he barely recognized. A true monster lurking in the shadows.
And then Dick looks at him and Bruce feels like life is returning to him in drips and drops. Slow, like a faucet barely turned on. But it was on and heād be full soon if they could stay like this for just a little while longer.
Heās relieved when Dick quiets and he can feel his warm breath on his palm. And so, so grateful they were together again. That he could be there this time to catch him when he fell. ]
You fainted.
[ He wipes another errant tear off Dickās cheek. ]
I told you, you had a concussion.
[ Itās not scolding, surprisingly enough. Itās a gentle kind of tease. The sort of banter they enjoyed in those early years. ]
Right. It all comes rushing back, the last few sleepless days had been a blur, spent chasing after Bruce's leads, dedicated to severing every tie that tethered back to Batman. Is this how it felt to be one of the rogues? To obsess over Gotham's hero and destroying all that he had built? He hadn't wanted to, he had no choice, it had been the only way he was able to get Bruce's attention. Except... ]
Yeah. You told me. [ Except he's right here, right now, and that big palm holding Dick's face is real, wiping away his tears. It's that tone that settles so achingly sweet in his chest while simultaneously filling the void that had throbbed every single day for the past five years. Bruce's tone is reminiscent of those early years when he was all Dick had and one affirmation would prove that everything would be okay.
Everything would be okay.
He's looking at the face he'd missed so much, finally out of the cowl that had acted like barrier between them, and it all came flooding in like a tide. His breath stuck in his throat and he shakily reached up to put his hand on Bruce's, unable to stop himself from turning into that palm with a hitch in his throat. Fuck. Why can't he stop fucking crying. Why can't he pull himself together? Why does this have to be so hard? ]
I'm... [ His voice breaks as tears blurred his vision. Even then, he didn't look away from the man who had caught him every. Single. Time. Who had been there when he had nothing. ] Bruce, I'm sorry.
He had heard those words the night his mother and father died. Alfred whispered them into his hair while he soaked his mother's pillow with his tears. Heard them at his first heartbreak and when he left to travel the world and when he came back on that very first night as Batman. And when he brought Dick home in his arms, bleeding and broken. So much blood he didn't think it would ever stop.
This is the first time he's said them to himself and actually believed them. Dick is alive and so is he and it feels okay. Not perfect. But getting there. The hand on Dick's cheek slides down to his neck where fingers press against the steady thump of his heart. So Bruce could feel it and be grounded by the rhythm.
Bruce should be the one apologizing. For caging him. For suffocating him. Leaving Dick to grow up in this world without him. It had all been his doing and when it comes time to recognize it, he chokes on the words. They don't come out the way he wants them to. ]
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He doesn't remember the last time he hugged Bruce, but it feels like embracing an icicle shaped like the man he still loves despite everything that's happened. Though it's cold, though the ridges of the suit dig into the soft parts of his body, he squeezes anyway. God, he misses Bruce, misses him so bad, and the overwhelming tide of emotions flooding him when those arms wrap around his waist have him shutting his eyes. Nausea crawls up his throat, and finally, he lets go of the breath he holds. It shakes like a weak, soft thing, like finally, he can loosen his control. With it, there's a barely-there whisper of Bruce's name.
Without warning, he goes slack in Bruce's arms and passes out. ]
no subject
Dick had been...
Dick had been the start of something good in Bruce's life. Even if he was cold and the relationship distant at best. He could feel the warmth of life seeping back into him in slow, quiet drips. Until it stopped when he nearly lost Dick and the relationship fractured into it's thousand tiny pieces. Dick had been the only good thing in his life and just like his mother and father and all of the what ifs Joe Chill snuffed out, he was gone.
But the difference is Dick came back, despite all of Bruce's efforts to keep him away. He's here and he's got his arms around Bruce and he maybe he doesn't realize how much he's needed this. How badly having him close again would soothe all of the aches and self inflicted pains. He hugs Dick and he feels like he's alive again. Dick says his name and Bruce grips him tighter ]
I'm right here.
[ And it's good that he is because soon after Dick is limp in his arms and Bruce has to put himself away for now to see to him. When Dick wakes, he'll find himself under the harsh fluorescent glow of the Cave's infirmary lighting. And Bruce is there, sitting not too far away and half dressed in his costume. The cowl is missing and the gauntlets are off. He's just Bruce and for once that feels like it's enough. ]
no subject
ā¦offā¦ [ He hears himself say it as if far away. ] Nnhāturn it off. [ He squeezes his eyes shut then dares to open them, gasping and blinking as the bright fluorescents beam down on him. It takes him right back to years and years ago, when heād woken up with this exact feeling, wanting the exact thing he wants now. ]
Bruceā¦ Bruce. [ His voice is barely above a whisper. He doesnāt know where he is, but as soon as that name leaves his mouth for the third time, he remembers: Bruce isnāt here. Dick left him years ago, and the gaping wound in his chest throbs as he squeezes his eyes shut and feels hot tears roll into his temples. ]
no subject
Bruce believed him. It hurt too much to think otherwise.
He rounded Dick's bed when he groaned. The lights dimmed and Bruce returns to his side just moments later. In time to hear his name whispered and to see the tears streaming back toward his hair. He peels the gauntlets off so Dick could feel him and not the years of barriers between them. Then Bruce wipes Dick's tears away. ]
I'm right here, Dick. Look at me. I'm right here.
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Bruceā¦ [ He whispers again before turning his face into Bruceās palm. A quiet breath falls from his parted lips though his eyes still gaze hazily to that familiar face. ]
What happenedā¦?
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And then Dick looks at him and Bruce feels like life is returning to him in drips and drops. Slow, like a faucet barely turned on. But it was on and heād be full soon if they could stay like this for just a little while longer.
Heās relieved when Dick quiets and he can feel his warm breath on his palm. And so, so grateful they were together again. That he could be there this time to catch him when he fell. ]
You fainted.
[ He wipes another errant tear off Dickās cheek. ]
I told you, you had a concussion.
[ Itās not scolding, surprisingly enough. Itās a gentle kind of tease. The sort of banter they enjoyed in those early years. ]
no subject
Right. It all comes rushing back, the last few sleepless days had been a blur, spent chasing after Bruce's leads, dedicated to severing every tie that tethered back to Batman. Is this how it felt to be one of the rogues? To obsess over Gotham's hero and destroying all that he had built? He hadn't wanted to, he had no choice, it had been the only way he was able to get Bruce's attention. Except... ]
Yeah. You told me. [ Except he's right here, right now, and that big palm holding Dick's face is real, wiping away his tears. It's that tone that settles so achingly sweet in his chest while simultaneously filling the void that had throbbed every single day for the past five years. Bruce's tone is reminiscent of those early years when he was all Dick had and one affirmation would prove that everything would be okay.
Everything would be okay.
He's looking at the face he'd missed so much, finally out of the cowl that had acted like barrier between them, and it all came flooding in like a tide. His breath stuck in his throat and he shakily reached up to put his hand on Bruce's, unable to stop himself from turning into that palm with a hitch in his throat. Fuck. Why can't he stop fucking crying. Why can't he pull himself together? Why does this have to be so hard? ]
I'm... [ His voice breaks as tears blurred his vision. Even then, he didn't look away from the man who had caught him every. Single. Time. Who had been there when he had nothing. ] Bruce, I'm sorry.
no subject
He had heard those words the night his mother and father died. Alfred whispered them into his hair while he soaked his mother's pillow with his tears. Heard them at his first heartbreak and when he left to travel the world and when he came back on that very first night as Batman. And when he brought Dick home in his arms, bleeding and broken. So much blood he didn't think it would ever stop.
This is the first time he's said them to himself and actually believed them. Dick is alive and so is he and it feels okay. Not perfect. But getting there. The hand on Dick's cheek slides down to his neck where fingers press against the steady thump of his heart. So Bruce could feel it and be grounded by the rhythm.
Bruce should be the one apologizing. For caging him. For suffocating him. Leaving Dick to grow up in this world without him. It had all been his doing and when it comes time to recognize it, he chokes on the words. They don't come out the way he wants them to. ]
It's okay.
[ No it isn't. He leans in and tries again. ]
I'm sorry.